On October, 3, 2001, controversial cartoonist/essayist/author Ted Rall was in Los Angeles when he was wrongly cited for jaywalking. This is Crusader's official transcript of what really went down:
OFFICER WILLIE DURR: Hands where I can see them, up against the wall and spread 'em!
(Officer pushes Rall against wall)
TED RALL: Huh? I'm just on the way back from taping Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher. Why am I being stopped?
DURR: Who is Bill Maher?
RALL: If you don't know who Bill Maher is, I'm really fucked.
DURR: Hey, watch your language, there are two-dozen bystanders watching us; besides, only the cops can cuss, not the civilians.
RALL: Why are you handcuffing me?
DURR: What handcuffs? I don't see any handcuffs. I've never ever ever ever handcuffed anyone in my entire career as a cop!
RALL: Yeah, right.
(Officer Durr is whistling Dixie)
FEMALE BYSTANDER 1 (to Durr): Take off his handcuffs, take off his handcuffs, he didn't do anything wrong!
FEMALE BYSTANDER 2 (to Durr): Don't you have real crimes to fight? You must have a real small willie!
DURR (to Rall): The light was red and you just did whatever you wanted and walked in the crosswalk. That's why I am writing you a ticket.
RALL: But I wasn't jaywalking, officer.
DURR: We'll see what my microcassette tape has to say about that 14 years from now.
RALL: Are you serious? Don't you need a warrant to record this?
DURR: Don't start spouting about your constitutional rights, cuz I don't give a shit; remember, I am a proud officer of the LAPD!
(Backup officer arrives)
OFFICER 2 (to bystanders): Nothing to see here, move along folks, nothing to see.
DURR (to Rall): Here's your driver license back, sir.
(License being thrown in the gutter by Officer Durr)
(Durr whistling Dixie again)
FEMALE BYSTANDER 1: Did you hear that? What made that sound?
FEMALE BYSTANDER 2: Sounded like a driver license hitting the gutter, wouldn't you say?
FEMALE BYSTANDER 1: Yes, it definitely sounded like a driver license hitting the gutter. That cop is so rude!
RALL (to Durr): By the way, I'm new in town, do you know a good place to eat?
DURR: Do I look like 411? Eat ME!
* PARODY - NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY *
The contents of the above parody are strictly a creation from Crusader's mind. Crusader, who may not be of sound mind, is still solely responsible for the content of this parody.