Thursday, August 27, 2015

Jaywalking in Los Angeles*

CHILD ADVISORY: Some of the following content may not be suitable for adults!

On October, 3, 2001, controversial cartoonist/essayist/author Ted Rall was in Los Angeles when he was wrongly cited for jaywalking.  This is Crusader's official transcript of what really went down:

OFFICER WILLIE DURR: Hands where I can see them, up against the wall and spread 'em!

(Officer pushes Rall against wall)

TED RALL: Huh?  I'm just on the way back from taping Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher.  Why am I being stopped?

DURR: Who is Bill Maher?

RALL: If you don't know who Bill Maher is, I'm really fucked.

DURR: Hey, watch your language, there are two-dozen bystanders watching us; besides, only the cops can cuss, not the civilians.

RALL: Why are you handcuffing me?

DURR: What handcuffs?  I don't see any handcuffs.  I've never ever ever ever handcuffed anyone in my entire career as a cop!

RALL: Yeah, right.

(Officer Durr is whistling Dixie)

FEMALE BYSTANDER 1 (to Durr): Take off his handcuffs, take off his handcuffs, he didn't do anything wrong! 

FEMALE BYSTANDER 2 (to Durr): Don't you have real crimes to fight? You must have a real small willie!

DURR (to Rall): The light was red and you just did whatever you wanted and walked in the crosswalk. That's why I am writing you a ticket.

RALL: But I wasn't jaywalking, officer.

DURR: We'll see what my microcassette tape has to say about that 14 years from now. 

RALL: Are you serious?  Don't you need a warrant to record this?

DURR: Don't start spouting about your constitutional rights, cuz I don't give a shit; remember, I am a proud officer of the LAPD!

(Backup officer arrives)

OFFICER 2 (to bystanders): Nothing to see here, move along folks, nothing to see.

DURR (to Rall): Here's your driver license back, sir. 

(License being thrown in the gutter by Officer Durr)

(Durr whistling Dixie again)

FEMALE BYSTANDER 1: Did you hear that?  What made that sound?

FEMALE BYSTANDER 2: Sounded like a driver license hitting the gutter, wouldn't you say?

FEMALE BYSTANDER 1: Yes, it definitely sounded like a driver license hitting the gutter.  That cop is so rude!

RALL (to Durr): By the way, I'm new in town, do you know a good place to eat?

DURR: Do I look like 411?  Eat ME!


The contents of the above parody are strictly a creation from Crusader's mind.  Crusader, who may not be of sound mind, is still solely responsible for the content of this parody.

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